Surrender

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When I returned home from a long day (mostly long, because I had been up since 4 in the morning thanks to my restless mind – always thinking, thinking, thinking!), I made a cup of tea, turned on my music, and avoided the computer (this can really be such a time obliterator).

I did yoga in my hotel room. Stretch. Breathe. Stretch. Sttt-rrr-eee-ttcchhh! I poured myself one of the lovely baths Switzerland offers – as their baths are so huge, I nearly fall every time I step in (the water reaches nearly to my shoulders when it’s full). I then turned on one of my favorite Kelly Howell podcasts, “Living Your Bliss”. For some encouragement, guidance, and inspiration. I lit one of my travel candles, and listened to the podcast as the bubbles and lovely aromatic water melted my cares away. I emerged from this lovely bath, sleepy and calm. I brought my sketchpad and micron pen to bed. {One of my favorite feelings in this world – clean, fresh feet tucked under clean, fresh sheets. True bliss.}

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I made a list the other day. Not my normal (1000’s upon 1000’s) to-do, but a downscaled list where each point connected to the next. It’s not so much a goals list, as the little micro’s that make the big macro’s. For the first time in such a long while, I felt really clear. I began writing this micro list … finished my tea … turned off the light and drifted into the most restful sleep I have had in years.

When I woke, I was amazed by how clear my list was, how achievable, when usually I feel like “where do I start?”

I made a goals list for 2011… with deep resolve and a inner peaceful knowing. After a 10 year hibernation, I felt something deep within stirring… awakening. 2010, was the hardest year of my life. To sit here now, typing from a laptop in a beautiful hotel in Zurich, seemed like the farthest dream… In fact, I recall the memory, painfully, of lying on the Spanish tile floor in our rented home in California, with tears and snot streaming down my face, and gasping for breath, until I just lay there motionless, almost waiting for an answer to my pleas and prayers. Everything seemed disjointed, wrong, out of sync, unhappy. I couldn’t find a place in my mind, or body that felt anything but deep sorrow.

We, as a species, are rather remarkable, in our strength, our ability to rally and survive disaster. Somehow, I willed myself to pack boxes, to move on, to find home …. once more.

My “word” for last year would have to be – “Surrender”. I remember lying in bed late one night, unable to sleep, just staring into the darkness… and I whispered, to the ether … “heal this for me, show me the light, I just don’t know what to do…” I repeated variations of this over and over and over just as a child will cry themselves to sleep… til I found slumber at last.

When I woke, I felt lighter. And the word – Surrender came to mind. Let go. Let it all go. The childhood. The worries. The memories. The questions. The Regrets. The fears. The sorrow. The grudges. The fears of getting older. Just … surrender.

Sometimes, we need a shake to wake up. We need to strip ourselves of what’s not working to find new solutions. We need to seek Joy and Bliss so vehemently, and ask for it with force, and believe in our worth, that Joy has no choice but to find us once more.

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I am writing to you from Switzerland. Remarkably, this was on my 2011 list. I wanted to visit two of my best friends – one expat American, and one Swiss born. I had no idea how this was going to happen. But.. life found a way. When I fly home, I will spend time with my brother and sister in California. Also on my goals list. Mr. Bird and I are making plans for the wedding. {Check!} We excitedly chatter about the baby we yearn for….

What does this mean and why do I share this? Because I feel that Bliss is our nature, and that my tale might strengthen you in your daily triumphs and tribulations.

As Terry Ann Whitaker says in the podcast (I hope you listen to it), “We must live our bliss, no matter what, in spite of all odds.It is our purpose.”

With love from here to there,
T

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March 4, 2011

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