Yesterday, as I was paying bills, writing checks, clicking “send” on online payments, I realized that my shoulders were hunched, my teeth clenched, my breathing, shallow. Silly. These old habits. These old patterns.
Last night, when I climbed into bed…. I closed my eyes. I am tired. It’s late. Maybe, tonight, I will fall asleep, no trouble. Then, but what if you don’t? Huh? What if you lie here for another few hours, just thinking? No, no thinking, I’m tired. Well, there’s that issue with your bank account. Tomorrow. And you know, tomorrow’s a big work day. Yeah, tomorrow. Did you remember to send that email? What? And what about .. Enough!! Enough. I’m tired. Ok… (silence). Should you maybe write a long to do list for tomorrow, just in case? Bah, fine! Out of bed I go to write a to-do list a mile long.
This morning, my work and writing from the past week was lost. A corrupted file. What? How is this possible? I tried and tried to retrieve it. Nope. Nada. Gone. I sat and looked at my monitor blankly for a few minutes as if I expected my Mac to wink at me with a silly wave, Oh, I was just joshing you, here’s your file! Wasn’t that funny? Needless to say, that didn’t happen. In spite of the desire to either throw something, or cry, or do both at the same time… I did neither. Just as I was about to surrender to the feelings of: Such bad luck-Why do things like this happen to me? See, I just can’t do anything right… I stopped.
No matter how evolved we feel, how far we think we’ve come, it’s always a bit of a surprise when old patterns of fear and worry rear their heads. Interrupting our wonderful sense of growth with a knock on our door. Paying bills with clenched fists, reacting to life with a hopeless sense of frantic worry, and low expectations.
I know that I have sat for far too long in the Company of Lack. Paying bills, writing checks, buying things, seemed like a tightrope walk – Gee, I hope this wire holds out. I sure hope I have enough. Will I have enough?
The answer? Of course! there is plenty of abundance. A flow. This works for money, as well as ideas (*ahem, the thousands of words I lost*). There is enough time to get everything done (the important things at least). Most importantly, love and release is what keeps the flow …well, flowing.
I have to approach this Sideways sometimes, because I too have been entrenched in distrust, fear, lack, and scarcity thinking. Sometimes, the best I can do is listen to my breath. When I focus on my breathing I am appalled at the itty bitty tiny breaths I am taking. *Deep Inhale- Deep Exhale*. Flow. I remind myself that there is plenty of money, plenty of words still to be written, plenty of people out there who will love my art and want to read my words, plenty of time to get everything done.
Just think of Fear and Worry, Scarcity and Doubt as little children who you walk beside with your arm around their shoulder. They’ll quiet down. And sure enough, when they do you’re smiling again. You’re thinking about how talented and capable you are. You’re feeling hopeful and dreaming big.
Just as you should be. *whew, that was a close one* 😉
Hugs on the journey,